GAAAMER

As seen in IGN's video on Youtube, Sony demonstrated Playstation Move Fight Demo, a game so embarrassing that it could permanently turn Richard Simmons's ears red.

From the stereotypical, thuggish character designs and environment to the painful, corporate hip-hop music, the scorn and condescension with which this game regards its audience is almost palpable. Sony's certainly insulting our maturity and intelligence, but the real victim of the Playstation Move Fight Demo is the air; in this game, it's clobbered repeatedly. Given that Sony hasn't found time to give this game a proper title yet, I suggest Air Fist: The Standing Still.

Sony's in a tough bind. This copycat product has to tap into the Wii's youthful and feminine markets without alienating the older, male player base that Sony's established during the life of the Playstation brand. The result is a black motion controller that looks like it's crowned with a scoop of ice cream.

I embody Ryu when I'm playing Street Fighter 2. The best fighting games give you the illusion that you are in complete control of your character. Ironically, despite the Playstation Move's promise of superior interactivity, this game gives you less control over your character than some of the better 8-bit fighting games.

Compare the canned animation in the pre-fight cut scene with the gameplay animations. During the cut scene, the fighters have fluid and elaborate warm up animations; they actually move around the environment. We soon find that the fighters in this game have less of an instinct for self-preservation than Major General John Sedwick. Once the player gets control of the game, the combatants stand nearly stationary while beating on each other.

I'd like to credit Valve and Bioware for making video game characters that elicit empathy and emotion, but Playstation Move Fight Demo drew more pity from me than the death of major characters in Half-Life and Mass Effect. How sad it must be, to be one of the characters in Playstation Move Fight Demo. Had Dante lived in the 21st century, he might have envisioned purgatory as living in this game's vacuous and vapid little world. The game's environment is literally a prison. For a demonstration of technology that's supposed to free me from the shackles of directional pads and digital buttons, why do I feel handcuffed?

The fighters in Playstation Move Fight Demo seem almost reflective on the ridiculousness of the situation that the game's developers put them in. I see these fighters as stoic philosophers who accept their fate, heroically standing motionless as knuckles push into their foreheads.

Even if I ignore the game's horrific aesthetics, I can't ignore the fundamental flaws of the controls. Sony focused so intently on translating the player's arm movements that they've left the player with no control over the fighters' legs. We're left with fighters who have less mobility than Little Mac and less personality than Don Flamenco.

As a fun mental exercise, try watching the finishing move at the end of the demonstration without laughing. This task could only be made more difficult by simultaneously playing Yakety Sax in the background.